I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
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Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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