I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
