I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I'm too high and old for this...
Randomize
