I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
