you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
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