I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
