Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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