Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
Randomize
