We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
