I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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