Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
