textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Randomize
