Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
