I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
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