He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
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