I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
