tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
