In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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