My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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