I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
