And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
