no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Still dying that you shit outside
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
