one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Randomize
