tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Randomize
