I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
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