I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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