my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
You took a bar mat shot.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
