She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
The struggles of a small town man whore
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Randomize
