when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
