I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
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