This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
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