The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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