I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
