woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
