This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
