I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
