I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
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