I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
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