you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
