Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Come back. Shots need mouths.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Randomize
