no, he came in my armpit
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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