wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
