Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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