When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
