Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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