We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I am naked and annoyed.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Randomize
