Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
