I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
