I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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