Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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