I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
