your thong is hanging out like whoa
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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